Welcome

Hi and welcome to the new version of my blog. I've neglected it for the last few years but I plan on keeping it updated now.

I am in my early thirties and for the last few years, I have been desperate to start a family of my own. I now think the time is right. There are, however, a couple of hurdles in my way - the first, and probably most crucial I should tell you about, is the lack of a man in my life. I've done lots of reading up on options available to me and am pretty sure it's going to involve an overseas clinic visit and a few thousand pounds, but we'll come back to that another time. The first thing I need to resolve is the fact that I am rather overweight. Obese, in face. Morbidly obese. I have a BMI in the 40s. 45.7 to be exact. And that sickens me.

In order to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, I desperately need to do something about my weight. I need to lose 35kg, or five a half stone, to get my BMI below 35, which is the level that I can have fertility treatment (if needed) and be treated on the low risk pathway for a pregnancy.

I'm quite lucky in that I have no diagnosed medical problems and am reasonably fit for someone my size. However, whilst I haven't ever been tested or spoken to my GP about this, I wouldn't be surprise if I suffer with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) as my menstrual cycle is pretty much non-existent. I have had one proper period in the last twelve months and it terrifies me that that will probably affect my fertility. However, I know that if I were to get a diagnosis of PCOS, the first line treatment would be weight loss and to get my BMI down to a healthy weight range (I know that BMI has some criticisms, but it's what the medical world - of which I am a part - works on, so I will be using this to guide me). I don't need a GP or gynaecologist to tell me that; I don't want my BMI of 45.7 to be documented in my medical notes anywhere, so I will not be seeking any assistance with my menstrual concerns until I have lowered my weight significantly, and who knows, it may have improved by then.

Metformin is one of the first medications offered to women with PCOS and does have a number of benefits in that it helps with weight loss and improve fertility. However, from a professional view-point, I absolutely hate metformin and would not be keen to take this drug myself. I have done quite a lot of reading around and there is a 'natural' alternative called Inositol which I ordered last year and started taking - I didn't really take it for long enough to see whether it helped, but it was reasonably priced and didn't taste too bad, so I'm going to start that up again to see if it does anything for my menstrual cycle.

I've thought long and hard about weight loss, especially over the last couple of weeks. Easter is probably not the time to start, but I'm hoping that after it is over, I will be fed up of chocolate. I tried losing weight about two years ago. I lost 8-9kg (about a stone and a half) in a reasonably quick time frame, about a month, and then had an absolutely awful day at work, turned back to the chocolate and continued back down that path. Whilst I put all the weight back on (gutted!), at least I know I can do it. Last time, I did it through healthy eating. I just cut out most of the junk from my diet. I allowed myself occasional treats - I could eat chocolate, for instance, if someone bought it for me. I think, initially, this is what I want to do, I will simply cut out the junk from my diet. Rather than going to the shop after work to get dinner, I will plan in advance what I want to have. This will stop my impulse buying simply because I am hungry. It will also allow me to budget better, which is definitely an added bonus.

Whilst I plan to keep track of my calories, I do not have a current goal of what I would like to have, calorie-wise, each day. The NHS BMI calculator recommends 2081 calories on an inactive day (my job is relatively sedentary), so anything below this should show a loss. I did buy a Slim and Save meal replacement starter kit and have had some of the meals out of there. I was never intending to do a meal replacement diet but thought that the sachets would do for days when I just wanted something really low-calorie for dinner.

I know I need to do some exercise, too, to help with the weight loss. I used to love a number of sports when I was younger and would quite like to get back in to some of these. I used to also love the gym. At my current size, I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a gym - I think I would like to lose about 20kg (about 3 stone) before attempting that - however, I am happy to go swimming and to maybe start the NHS Couch to 5K programme at home. I have started it twice before and given up twice before, once because I was unwell and once because I hurt my ankle running in my dining room.

Anyway, once Easter is over and done with, I will be starting the first day of my diet. I'm scared and excited but most of all, it is one step closer to what I have always wanted - to be a mum.

Oops - a rather late update from me!

Hmm, so once again I have forgotten about this blogging. Oops!

So, I'm no further along than I was previously. Still single, still not pregnant still rather overweight, still having irregular cycles and still spending too much money. I need to sort at least some of these issues out in order to get to where I want.

Step 1 - make some space in my kitchen. (This will allow me to make a store packed meals for work).
Step 2 - come up with a weekly meal plan. Healthy, filling and low calorie. I'm considering the 5:2 diet here.
Step 3 - shopping! I'm terrible for shopping. I need to buy ingredients for my weekly meal menu and some kind of lunch box.
Step 4 - actually make lunch and remember to take it to work! Yep, that has happened on more then one occasion. I have found it festering in my fridge later. Maybe stop taking my purse to work with me - no temptation to pop to the coffee shop and grab a sandwich or a muffin

Step 5 - exercise. I'm trying to be positive here; summer is on its way - yay! - so no excuse. I really want to get back into walking. And maybe take up cycling. I live in the beautiful British countryside - there is no excuse! I've also got a garden to dig and veg to plant, so that'll be a nice bit of a workout.
Step 6 - have a rainy day plan. Swimming, probably (that reminds me - I need to find my swimsuit).

Goal:
Lose 5kg by the end of April. That is a completely realistic goal - less than 0.5kg a week - and would take me down in to the next 10 bracket.

Hopefully, I'll update this more often than I have in the past.

Where has the time gone?

So, I was looking at this blog I started almost three years ago and was wondering where the time has gone? I still remember getting that acceptance letter to go to university. I remember running around the house, screaming with excitement. I was so excited. And that is now almost three years ago. Scary!

In regards to, well, everything, I am still in the exact same place as I was three years ago. I'm still overweight, still single and still childless. The reduction in pay was a lot more than it sounded and that hit me bad financially. I'm getting there now, though.

I'm still desperate to become a mum. I still get that physical ache in my stomach when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn. And even having seen many, many labours and births hasn't put me off wanting to be there, doing that. Instead, I think it has just made me more certain of how I want to deliver my baby when the time comes.

I know I will make an absolutely awful patient. I will have very firm ideas and believe that everything should be normalised. I despise the medicalisation of childbirth and would push for a home birth.

Fingers crossed the time comes sooner rather than later.

One Month In

I'm a month in to my midwifery training now. Along with the rest of the girls in my cohort, I am flipping between being super-broody and absolutely terrified at the prospect of pregnancy, what with having been taught about some of the bad sides of pregnancy. I don't mean stretch marks, back ache and peeing all the time. I mean the life threatening things; pre-eclampsia, post-partum haemorrhage and sepsis. Argh!

Having said that, I now feel I am one step ahead of any other would be pregnant lady. As part of our course, we have to write a birth plan, which I have deliberated over long and hard and have now completed.

I have begun my placement. I have seen lots of pregnant women and new babies. I am so broody. But I am staying professional and actually not thinking about my desire to have a baby during my professional hours.

The diet is going well. Whilst I haven't yet weighed myself, I feel as though I have lost weight. I also feel as though I have been eating more healthily. At uni, I am trying to choose the option with lots of veg and I am trying (quite successfully) to really cut down my chocolate intake.

Next month, I plan to start swimming regularly. I am hunting out an old exercise book which is at my mum's somewhere. It is really good, and I did it when I was younger. It is based on an aerobics routine and as well as being a good work out, it is also fun to do.

Introduction

Welcome to my brand new blog.

A little but about me.

I am in my mid twenties and, as the title of the blog suggests, I am desperate for a baby. I physically feel a pull in my stomach when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby. I'm better when it is my friends, but still wish I could be a mum. And I know it's not all wonderful. I know babies cry and poop and don't let you sleep and that they are a hell of a lot of work. But, you know, I am completely ready for that. I want that.

So, the physical pull in my stomach, well, that's going to be a problem as next week, I am starting an eighteen month midwifery course. So I will spend 37.5 hours per week surrounded by pregnant women and brand new babies. Plus study time, looking at pregnancy.

The big problem with the whole pregnancy issue is that I am single.

I would love to do this thing the traditional way. I would love to be married to a man I love before thinking about babies. But I can't. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere on the man front. There have been a few men, but no one serious. And I don't feel as though I have ever been in love.

I know I'm only young (even though there has been on reference from someone I know about the biological clock!), but I wanted to complete my family by my late twenties. And, as this rate, I am definitely not on track to do that.

So, having weighed up all my options, I have decided to go down the route of artificial insemination. In the UK, it is very expensive; we are talking thousands of pounds. I am not sure that I can afford that per cycle to try and get pregnant. There is also the fact that there is now no anonymity. How does that work? Does the child receive a letter on their eighteenth birthday? What if there has never been the opportunity to discuss it?

In Denmark, there are still anonymous donations. It is also cheaper to fly to Denmark and arrange self insemination than it is to receive artificial insemination here.

Obviously, this route involves a lot more reliance on a normal and semi-predictable menstrual cycle than artificial insemination in a clinic here, where drugs are used to induce a cycle or increase egg numbers, or the sperm is inserted in to the uterus or IVF. This is where the problem lies.

For 13 years, I have suffered from very irregular menstrual cycles. We are talking anything from the standard 28 days to 12 months. I am almost certain that this is due to the fact that I am overweight. And so, before I consider booking my plane ticket to Denmark, I need to lose some weight.

A couple of years ago, I lost about 7lb. It's not a lot, really; I think I would like to lose about 5 stone, but, it improved my menstruation a lot. I actually started having periods monthly-ish. So, I hope to use this blog, not only on my (hopefully successful) journey towards motherhood, but to document my weight loss success.

I know my one downfall; I just love chocolate. I know I can cut it out; when I was saving up for my house, I stopped my visits to the corner shop on my way home from work (when I am normally absolutely starving, usually having not had a break) and where I would usually buy a sandwich/wrap and some chocolate. Also, I frequently eat junk at work because I know that I probably won't have another (unpaid) break and so won't get anything more to eat, so purposefully choose something calorific.

I also think I need to up my exercise. I used to do quite a lot of exercise; I did Reebok (probably spelt wrong) aerobics every night, which was fab. I used to swim a lot, walk a lot and play a lot of netball. And then I went to uni the first time, did nursing (37.5 hours uni time per week) and study and had a part time job and volunteered and just didn't have time for anything. I would like to take some form of sport up again, maybe the aerobics again, or maybe just start off swimming.

As well as helping me lose weight, it would help me get fitter, which is obviously beneficial in pregnancy and child birth.

I was planning on going to Denmark in the spring, giving me the next six months or so to lose the weight. However, as I mentioned above, I am back off to uni next week. I am completing an 18 month midwifery degree. It is salaried, with a contract at the NHS Trust, and so money won't be a huge issue (it's still a reduction in pay and I do still have a mortgage and bills to pay) but I presume I will have the same legal rights as someone employed in a regular job. I am just not sure, though, when the best time would be to start trying to get pregnant. If it were to happen during my course, then that would mean rubbish maternity pay. If, however, I wait until towards the end of my course, it would make finding a job potentially that much more difficult. Alternatively, I could wait until I had been employed as a midwife for a few months before I consider flying to Denmark.

I have a lot to think about over the next few months, and would be grateful for any support or advice along the way.

Kaitlyn